I never used to consider myself a feminist. As a teenager full of reasons why I was SO SMART, and then as a young woman determined to be different from everyone for all the wrong reasons, I thought the whole idea of feminism was outdated and cliche and only meant for angry man-eating types. I thought that it was the 2000's, for pete's sake, and everyone should just stop complaining about how they didn't have equality and get out there and just DO for themselves, already.
While tiny smidgens of those philosophies may still be true, man have I learned some things in the past decade (which is probably always a true statement, and also one that makes me feel old). For starters, I moved from a field dominated by women (teaching) to a field dominated by men (journalism). And then I had a a daughter. And then I became a single mom.
And now I have some thoughts about being a woman in today's world. Some new and different thoughts. First let me say that I realize that as a mother and as a female professional and community leader, I am standing on the shoulders of giants, and that my grandmother and mother's generations did some serious trailblazing, without which all of us girls would still have to settle with secretary jobs. But I have come to learn by experience that the work just isn't quite done yet.
When it comes to the world of work, I had no idea how sheltered my environment was as a teacher completely surrounded by other female teachers. Female heads of department, even female principals and administrators. Women rock the world of education, my friends. And they tend to support one another to the hilt - at least that was my experience. Nothing but love.
And then I decided to become a newspaper girl. Which I can say, without a doubt, was one of the best moves I've ever made because man do I LOVE this job. But, to say there is a difference in the level of toughness required is kind of the understatement of the century. Sitting in a room full of female co-workers and sitting in a room where you are the only woman - super different experiences. And I have to say that while all of my local co-workers have been supportive, kind, and respectful of me and my ideas, I have run into some male journalists and just men in general in other places who treated me like I was a little girl and I shouldn't be intruding on grown man business.
I've encountered my share of stupid, demeaning comments and questions about what a "girl like me" was doing at crime scenes or riding along with cops on drug raids or climbing down into muddy ditches to get a good shot of a train wreck, or climbing up onto the tops of levees to cover flooding with the Army Corps. Weird looks, inappropriate remarks, and un-funny jokes. And it wasn't because I was a journalist. It was because I was a woman and I didn't "belong" there. I've been met with apparent and even vocal surprise that I could talk business or ask tough and intelligent questions while also wearing heels and a skirt. If you don't believe all this, arrange to job shadow me or any other woman who fills a position of leadership on a daily basis, and just see what you discover.
And here's what I've just recently realized is the problem with all of that: it happens so darn often that after five years I hardly even notice anymore and rarely respond in a way that I hope my own daughter would to such treatment. So I'm working on that. My own mother and grandmother taught me how to handle tough situations with grace, and one of my biggest goals in the upcoming year is to remember and implement those lessons more often.
Having a daughter, even though she's still not quite two and so tiny yet, has made me mentally re-live so many portions of my own experience as a girl growing up. I was happy and well-respected in my upbringing, but there were still so many things about society at large and the communities with which I met along the road that made me feel inferior and less-than those around me. Girls face a lot of pressure to be "perfect," and that idea becomes reality for most of us so soon in life that we forget how truly perfect we already are. Some of us remember by the time we hit our 30's or 40's, but some never remember at all and spend their whole lives hating themselves for not being someone else.
I'm already practicing my speech for the first time my girl comes home crying because someone thought she wasn't pretty enough or tall enough or skinny enough or too smart or too creative or too different. Because as much as I don't want it to, it will happen. It happens to all of us. But I will be ready.
Since I got dropped by surprise back into the single life after eight years of being taken, I've also realized more than ever that women still face a lot of challenges out here. Guys don't have to worry about leaving their office alone at night, or wish that they could pretend they didn't hear the rude stuff called at them across parking lots, or choose to take the next available elevator because the dude across from you stared a little too long and hard. And girls who go around with their husband tend to forget, which is what I had done.
I had also forgotten just how awesome female relationships can be. When I'm really down, when my back is against the wall or I've felt the world was too harsh all day, or I need help with my kid or I just need a laugh, it's the women in my life who SHOW UP. The girlfriends and the mom and the sister and the grandmothers and the girl cousins and co-workers.
I do not hate men, otherwise I wouldn't be so pleased to work with them every day, or to have male friends who are just as capable of brightening my day as the girls. My own father and brother are two of the most strong and kind people I know. Neither do I believe that I'll never date or get married again because of any of this.
But being a feminist doesn't mean you hate men and they should be scared of you. It means that you know who you are and you're willing to defend that and not be sorry about it. It means that you're willing to be vocal in your support of other women and their dreams without worrying about what the men in your world will think. Because if they deserve to be in your world, they will think you're awesome for it.
The reason that feminism has become a "thing" for my generation and even the one younger than me is that it is still needed, just like a lot of other civil rights movements which have recently experienced a resurgence.
So yeah. I'm a feminist. And I've had that word thrown at me like an insult, but I'm gonna own it, baby. Because I deserve to be here, and so do all my friends, and so does my daughter. And I'm going to tell her that she doesn't have to be angry or rude or aggressive to get places in this life - she just has to be smart and sure of herself. Just has to show everyone respect and then expect that she receive it in turn. Has to be willing to laugh at life and laugh at herself, but never to let that inner beastly self-hating monologue get switched on by some uncaring person who doesn't see her worth.
My grandmother used to tell me and my girl cousins that we should do one hard thing every day. One thing that scares you or is tough or requires sweat or blood or tears or requires you to face something that you'd rather ignore.
And that, my friends, is excellent advice, whether you're out there advocating for something or you're just trying to survive and better yourself. I think both of those things describe me every day, which means that every day brings tough moments...and the opportunity to rise to the challenge.
sspears@blythevillecourier.com