Today is my precious little girl's first birthday. Tomorrow will be crazy because I have a party planned that is way too elaborate for a 1-year-old ... exactly the kind of party I used to scoff at before I had a kid of my own. But then, I got schooled by life. So, huge party, here we come, and I'll just eat beans for a few weeks if I have to.
Anyway, tomorrow will be wild, but today has been introspective. A day for me to reflect on the changes this past year has brought. Things were too raw and tough for me to do this on New Year's, but we're a month down the road and I guess my baby's birthday is as good a time as any to re-evaluate where I am. And I think I can say something that not very many people can say ...
In the past year, I both gained my family and lost it. The highest of highs and the lowest of lows, if you will.
While it did bring me the greatest blessing of my whole life, I sincerely hope that I will NEVER have another year like 2014, in which all of these things happened:
-- An extremely difficult last month of pregnancy, in which I was confined to my house because of a heart condition
-- An equally difficult, dangerous and LONG labor and delivery, which ended in surgery
-- The challenge of learning to balance working full-time and nursing a newborn baby full-time
-- The challenge of dealing with that baby's falling underweight, being diagnosed with a tongue tie and her subsequent treatment and recovery
-- Recovering from yet another emergency surgery and hospital stay
-- The complete and utter heartbreak of my husband deciding that he no longer wanted to be part of our family, for reasons I have yet to understand
-- Being served with divorce papers, going to court and having to testify against the man I loved, trusted and had devoted the past eight years of my life to helping
-- Learning the ins and outs of single parenthood, both the things I can do and the things I'm not sure if I can do (although I have learned that I can do ALL THE THINGS -- I CAN)
-- Being forced to cope with the idea that I can't always have my baby with me, because now when she's with her daddy I can't be there
Once I back up and see this list, I realize that it looks like a big fat sob story, which was not the point of this column. But this is actually the first time I've taken a deep breath and a step back and looked at the past 12 months and seen all that's happened, right there on paper.
Whoa.
I mean, that's a lot.
And I have to say, if there is any tiny, small, fragmented piece left of the Shannon that I was a year and a half ago ... I haven't found it yet.
Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. At least not altogether. I'll be honest and say that the nine things on that list up there have most definitely given my self-confidence a sound beating. I mean, like beaten my self-confidence up and stolen its lunch money. And I won't delve into all the other emotional injury and sheer exhaustion -- partially because I've already kind of done that and partially because that's not the point I'm trying to make. Because the bad is definitely there, but ya'll ... the good.
The good is that beautiful, bright, smiling, fresh, brilliant baby girl. The miracle that almost didn't make it into this world, but was a fighter even from before the day she was born. She's only a year old, but I don't care what anyone says -- she's my best friend and soulmate. Getting up in the morning is now a joy, staying home for the nights and weekends are a treat, and anything, absolutely anything, that will cause her to squish up her little face in a smile ... well, I'll just about break my neck to make it happen.
She's mine and I'm hers, and the more I think about having our life adventures together, the more excited I get. So I guess what I'd like to do this February is look at 2014 like a sort of rummage sale. I'm going to sort through the garbage and the used junk and all the things that could continue to hurt, and pick out my one treasure. I'm going to dust it off and take it home and polish it really well and put in on the shelf ... then back away and admire it, and say to myself, "Yes, I did this, and I am proud."
To happiness in 2015 ...
sspears@blythevillecourier.com