I've realized as a parent that I'm not going to be perfect. There was a brief period before Caroline was born during which I actually thought I had pieced everything together in just the right way to become the perfect parent.
But I was wrong. I'm not perfect ... and neither are you.
However, I think we can all take solace in knowing that we're not perfect parents because there's no such thing as the perfect parent.
Every family is different. Every child is different. Sometimes the same child can change so much that they seem like a different child.
The best any of us can hope to do is, well, our best.
Still, there are certain things I hope to avoid doing as Caroline grows up. I want to make it perfectly clear, I'm in no way saying that if you do any of the following that you're a bad parent. These are just things I don't really want to do, and maybe by the time we're finished here a few of you might have some new parenting goals as well.
It's likely we all heard one of these two at least a few times when we were kids. It usually went something like this:
"Can I go to my friend's house?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I said so."
Perhaps I'm a little out of line in assuming we all heard this at one point or another, but I know I heard it. A lot. And if I'm being completely honest, I wasn't really a fan of the response. I wanted an explanation as to why I couldn't go. It made the "no" a lot easier to accept.
"Trust me" was basically the same response.
So I hope to avoid ever saying that to Caroline. Whatever the situation, whatever the question, I hope to have an explanation for the response I've given to her. Not only will it help me develop a stronger bond with my daughter -- she'll know I'm not arbitrarily denying her something and she'll trust me -- but it'll also teach her to do the same thing. She'll learn that when she responds to others, her responses should be well reasoned. It will, I'm hoping, promote logical thought processes.
This is a favorite saying among parents and is usually used to point out not only how silly whatever their child is wanting to do is, but also that their wanting to do it because a friend is also doing it makes it completely ridiculous.
When I was a teenager, the guy who today is my best friend was just an acquaintance. Still, he was usually the guy I would use as an example to try to get my parents to change their minds. Let's say I wanted to dye my hair and my mom said "no" (true story, by the way). I'd come back with, "but Stephen did," to which she'd respond, "If Stephen jumped off a bridge, would you?"
No. Of course not. That's completely ridiculous. And a little insulting to us both.
First off, there's nothing wrong with wanting to do something just because you saw someone else do it, especially as a teenager. It serves as a guide to help a lot of people figure out what they like and don't like. It helps us along on our road to figuring out who we are, and more importably who we aren't. Turned out my hair looked terrible bleached blonde and I never did it again.
Second, and forgive me for this one, it makes parents look kind of dumb to their kids. I distinctly remember wondering if my folks really thought that if I dyed my hair because Stephen did there'd be no end to what I would do as long as he did it first.
Looking back I know they didn't really think I'd end up at the bottom of a bridge right behind my friend. As the authoritative figure in the situation they had been taught that was an acceptable stance to take--but it wasn't then and it's not now.
I never heard this from my parents, but I did hear a few schoolmate's parents throw around the phrase from time to time.
As hard as this may be for some of you to believe, I can't think of a single thing Ashley or I say or do that I wouldn't want Caroline mimicking. Really.
I don't want to seem conceited, but Ashley and I have been together for 10 years now, and I'm proud of who we've become -- strengths and weaknesses. Everything comes together to make us, well, us. And I think we're pretty good people.
So I hope Caroline takes the things that Ashley and I say and do and finds ways to make them a part of the person she becomes. She doesn't have to be just like us, but I hope she sees the value in what we're teaching her as well as in our daily actions.
This is another one I never really heard from my parents. I know it might be hard to believe, but they never had to force me to eat. Still, it was a very popular saying at one time and I don't plan to ever use such tactics.
One of the books I read before Caroline was born talked about how forcing a kid to eat can lead to a major resentment to foods or meal time in general and can lead to very unhealthy eating habits and even certain eating disorders.
As a kid, I wouldn't touch spinach or broccoli. It just wasn't happening. Thankfully my parents never forced it on me, they never guilted me into eating anything. Today I keep the refrigerator stocked with broccoli at all times and when given the choice between spinach and lettuce I always choose spinach.
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Maybe I'll never be a perfect parent, but I think as long as I'm being the best parent I can possibly be everything will work out just fine. Let's face it, even if I use these phrases everyday of the week things could always be much worse. Caroline is mine and Ashley's whole world ... what more could a kid ask for?
Follow me on Twitter at @CN_ChrisP. May the force be with you.
cpinkard@blythevillecourier.com