I'm a nail biter from way back. Through multiple bouts of recovery and relapse over the past 20 years or so, this is one bad habit I simply cannot break, and I've come to terms with it.
In an attempt to curtail the nail biting, I even scheduled myself weekly manicure appointments, thinking that if I had to present them to a professional every seven days, I would stop gnawing on my fingertips out of shame, if nothing else. Sometimes it works, but more often than not, I end up sitting in the chair, looking at my manicurist, and trying to come up with some pathetic excuse why I picked off all the pretty polish and bit my nails, like a 6-year-old child or a person with some sort of serious psychosis. I was stressed, I was busy, I was confused, I couldn't think of anything to write about (not that that ever happens). But in the end that's all they are ... excuses.
I realize it's not an attractive or professional look -- index finger in mouth, hunched over a computer keyboard, but I'm afraid that's my image. It is what it is, we can't all be ballet dancers and such. Not that my mother didn't try. She also tried to make sure that I always answered to my own name and didn't dress like a can-can dancing cowboy, but hey ... you can't win them all.
I'd like to be graceful, and maybe sometimes I pull it off. I did go to etiquette school, after all. But who are we kidding. I once heard a man describe his wife in this way: "Every time I see her, she's flawless." I thought, wow, that's really lovely, and I wondered how The Police would make that statement about me. "Every time I see her, she's ... dropping things. And sneezing. And asking for a tissue."
On a completely unrelated note, I went to our neighborhood grocery store the other day because I needed to pick up hamburger buns and chips for a party. Without looking to the left or right, I made a beeline for the bread aisle, and didn't even look up until I was smack up next to...a bunch of organic soup.
Because they've moved. Everything. In. The. Whole. Darn. Store.
I don't know how it is for all you poised and graceful non-nail-biters, but something like this is enough to completely throw me for a loop. I stood there for a minute, dumbfounded, and then slowly turned in a circle, just to make sure that I was in fact in the grocery store and on planet Earth. I walked away a little bit and then came back, staring at all the yummy organic goods like they had just shot my best friend.
Finally it occurred to me to ask an employee where they had decided to place the dang hamburger buns. It happened to be one that had apparently watched me the whole time, and he smiled in amusement as I stumbled through my question, then told me that everything was going to be OK and pointed me in the direction of the bread. Well, thank goodness for the kindness of strangers. Otherwise I might still be there, turning slow circles and trying to remember my name.
But I'm not the only one to fall victim to these circumstances -- The Police went to the same store later that night. A few minutes later I got at text message with a picture of the store's empty lobby that said, "Where are the carts? There are no carts!" He was confused and upset because he saw people pushing carts around the store but couldn't understand from whence they were springing. I told him I couldn't help him and I was just surprised that the store was still on the same street as it used to be. I'm very supportive in times of crisis.
I know there's supposedly some kind of brilliant marketing strategy behind why retail people decide it's a good idea every now and then to just do the grocery shuffle, but I have to say -- I don't think most people mosey into the grocery store with time on their hands, just hoping they'll get to spend an extra 20 minutes wondering where the oatmeal is now being kept. There's a reason that "Supermarket Sweep" didn't last as long as "Jeopardy" or "Wheel of Fortune" -- nobody likes rushing around a grocery store in a desperate and confused state.
That's pretty much all, folks ... except for this. Thank you so, so very much for your response to last week's collaboration with The Police. I've gotten so many calls and pledges for support and shoe donations, and I hope they keep piling in. It feels good to have the support of friends when you're taking on such a big endeavor, and my friends, as always, are the most awesome.
sharris@blythevillecourier.com