The summer travel season is upon us, and no doubt many readers are planning family trips of one sort or another in the weeks ahead.
I wouldn't call myself a travel expert by any stretch of the imagination. But as both a child and as an adult, I have taken a my share of Griswold-style family vacations, so I have a little bit of experience on the subject.
So for anyone out there preparing to pile the kids into the Wagon Queen Family Truckster and head out on the highways to explore the country, I offer the following tips:
Pack it. You will need it. No matter how great of personal hygiene you and your family might attempt, when you are on the road for 4 or 5 or 6 or 7 hours, sometimes over a couple of days, you can be certain that your vehicle is going to get a bit gamey.
So do yourself a favor, and head over to the automotive store and pick up one of the countless auto air fresheners available. You'll be glad you did.
Depending on where your travels might lead you, you might be tempted, at some time, to drive across the state of Nebraska.
Don't do it.
I have driven across Nebraska, and it is 455.27 miles of the most boring, desolate landscape you will ever see. You are far better off detouring to the north, and driving through South Dakota; or venturing to the south, and motoring across Kansas, then subjecting yourself to the monotony of the Cornhusker State.
Remember, there's only one good thing that ever came out of Nebraska: Interstate 80.
On any trip, it is good to have a first-aid kit. Throw in some band-aids, some tweezers, some Tylenol and plenty of Dramamine.
But while you're at it, make sure to throw in some Xanax and maybe a little Lexapro as well.
I know we all love our families. And the whole point of a family vacation is to "spend quality time together." But after hearing "are we there yet" a couple hundred times, and after settling a dozen or so arguments over who was on whose side, or who looked at who when they weren't supposed to, you will be grateful to have a little something to soothe the nerves.
One of the best ways to beat the boredom that comes with long car rides is to pack a bag of activities that will help all members of the family pass the time, as you motor down the highway.
My personal recommendation is board games. Especially board games with lots of loose, movable pieces, such as Monopoly, Stratego or checkers. Games like this are perfect for car rides, and sure to bring your family many blissful memories.
Back in the old days, when people went on trips, they sent postcards.
Nowadays, they post pictures on social media.
We all know the real purpose of Facebook is to try to make your life seem more idyllic than anybody else's. So when on vacation, be sure to post as many pictures as you can -- shots of the kids frolicking at the beach, photos of the family checking out some famous site of historical significance, or pictures of the whole group posing around the "Welcome to Wild Wonderful West Virginia" sign.
Also be sure to share photos of all the cheesy, cliche shots people take while on vacation, like your plane's win in the air, naked feet at the beach, or a tasty beverage in your hand.
Remember, as an American, when you go on vacation, it is your right to try to make the folks back at home jealous.
When it comes to family vacations, I think Clark Griswold said it best: "Well, I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. You're gonna have fun, and I'm gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much fun we're gonna need plastic surgery to remove our smiles! You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah' out of your *%$#@!"
Happy travels.
aweld@blythevillecourier.com