I'd like to preface this list by saying that I think that these disorders can crop up in us all from time to time -- I know I am guilty.
So no, mis hombres, I am not talking specifically about you, because everyone who reads this column is obviously intelligent, witty, bright, engaging and ridiculously good looking (ahem). If you're reading this, you rock. No exceptions.
That being said, I think we can all identify with these:
Don't think for one second that you have ever had a disease, experienced a car accident, home improvement tragedy or family crisis that was worse than this person's. Because you'd be wrong. If you had the flu, they had pneumonia. If you bumped your fender, their car was totaled. And the circumstances surrounding their incident were completely unique and unlike anything you may have ever experienced in your dull, lifeless existence.
-- Catch Phrase: "Oh, I've had that. Only with mine ..."
-- How to Handle the One Upper: There are two ways to go here. Either you simply pretend that you find them to be the most fascinating person on the planet, which makes them happy, or you can continue to attempt to top their stories with equally fantastic ones of your own. I don't recommend this. If people happen to walk by and hear you bragging about your property on the moon, you might start getting funny looks.
In case you didn't notice, this person is important. They don't have time for you and your piddling affairs. They cannot be expected to hang up their phones while ordering in a restaurant or paying for gas, they are far too busy to wait in line anywhere, and they would much prefer that you contact them through their secretary, or their "people." In fact, they don't have time to stop and speak to anyone, really, because if they hang out for too long in public, the paparazzi might swarm them. And really, you guys should have realized this by now. This person also refuses to make firm social plans because it's possible that something better may come up between now and then.
-- Catch Phrase: "I'll have somebody give you a call..."
-- How to Handle The V.I.P.: With kid gloves, of course. Duh.
Hey, guess what you guys? This person has a cell phone! Isn't that the stinkin' coolest thing ever? Aaaand, they have all these newfangled gadgets that let them talk on it without even holding it up to their face. I stare in wonderment and awe at their tech savvy. And I am so glad that I get to hear their personal conversations while they walk through the aisles of Walmart, addressing the open air about their Aunt Sally's knee surgery. Through the miracles of Blue Tooth and speakerphone, you too can enjoy the experience of hearing someone argue with their teenage child about curfew while you try to pick out fabric softener.
-- Catch Phrase: "Hang on, I need to take this call..."
-- How to Handle the Cell Phone Exhibitionist: You can't. Just walk away, man. This battle is already lost.
A hybrid of the One Upper and the V.I.P., this person is incapable of having an unexpressed thought or emotion. And now that the world has been gifted with Facebook and Twitter, we all get to hear that they had bad service at lunch, are unhappy with the price of gas, don't understand their children, are feeling cold or allergy symptoms coming on or are fighting with their spouse. What a cruel, cruel world we live in, folks, that people should have to suffer in such a way. This person doesn't just make an occasional complaint; their whole life is a continuous string of one tragedy after another, and if nobody asks them about it, they'll post something that is angry/sad and vague enough to get others to try and soothe them.
-- Catch Phrase: "Sometimes I just don't even know why I try ..." or "Could my life possibly get any worse ..."
-- How to Deal with the Social Network Whiner: My personal policy is to ignore this type of behavior, as I discovered several years ago that sympathy only encourages this person. But all I can say is that you should just try not to scream curses at them. Maybe they really are having a bad day. Every. Single. Day.
... and my personal favorite ...
This person is hilarious, ya'll. Just ask them. They have a comment and a comeback for everything, and nothing is out of bounds. They'll go heroically to any lengths to get a laugh, even if it means they have to poke fun at infidelity, death of loved ones, critical illness or the weight and/or personal appearance of others. And don't forget bodily functions. Couldn't get through the day without mentioning those in public conversation.
-- Catch Phrase: "Hey, listen to this ..." -- and then -- "Come on now, can't you take a joke?"
-- How to Deal with The Inappropriate Jokester: I cannot stress this enough. Do NOT encourage this person with your laughter. Even if you're just being polite and giving them a pity laugh so they won't be embarrassed. It only gives them more boldness to take on the day and offend more people. Personally, I have no problem just giving someone a blank stare when they expect me to laugh at a fart joke while I'm having a meal. Geez.
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P.S. Have you ever wanted to use a word, realized you didn't know how to spell it, and just changed your whole sentence so that you didn't have to look it up? I was just wondering, because I have this friend that has a problem with that. Not that it's me or anything. I spell real good.
sharris@blythevillecourier.com