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Maybe we can shift the Earth's axis
To the editor:
Dear folks of Mississippi County, I think that I've got it figured out ... maybe.
I am a resident of suburban Yarbro and have to travel on North Franklin Avenue to go to Blytheville several times each week. There are some holes in the pavement that want to gobble up my Michelin tires if I don't dodge 'em. I did some reflection upon how these hazards are created and my diverse background led me to these decisions: the holes are created after midnight by space debris that rains down following a space mission that required a polar orbit that happened some time ago (that's why the holes are in a northern direction).
My first job out of UT was as an aeronautical engineer and I used the information from that era to document the path of the debris that makes these holes. The space debris may consist of nuts and bolts, ball bearings, nose cones, rocket motor nozzles and other stuff.
To solve the problem in this area, I propose that we do the following. We must push the Earth's axis about 1/200th of a degree more North. That reorientation will cause the debris to impact more easterly ... past North County Road 727 ... 'cause that is where I live ... past Interstate 55 ... and if we are very lucky ... to the mighty, muddy, Mississippi River -- where the impact would just result in little puffs of vapor.
How to get the polar shift is this very simple and cheap method: recruit all school children from 4th to 12th grade from Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky, Ohio, Mississippi, Texas, New Mexico and Rhode Island to line up and join in a mass movement to the north (on pavement) accelerating to a rapid run and screech to a halt at exactly 26 seconds past 2:14 on March 19. This will be a momentum shift of Biblical proportions and the Earth will respond by pushing the Earth's axis a tiny bit to the right.
I am sure that the kids will be able to perform this feat.