Like anyone else, I'd like to think of myself of a person of at least average intelligence. I listened in school, went to college and even pay attention to the news on a relatively regular basis.
But despite any efforts I put forth to this end, there are some things I still just don't understand.
For instance, I don't understand how to make the automatic sinks at Walmart come on. On the occasion that I find myself using the facilities there, I like to do the hygienic thing and wash my hands. So I go over the sink, place my hands under the faucet, and ... nothing happens. I slide down to the next faucet ... still nothing.
I'll usually go back and forth between faucets until I get water to spray out for 2 or 3 seconds, which is usually enough to get the job done. My hands might not be surgically sterile, but I get by.
I can't help but thinking there's something I'm missing here. I mean, it can't be that hard to operate a sink in a public bathroom, can it? I keep thinking there must be some trick to making the water pour out on command ... but I'm apparently not smart enough to figure out what the trick is.
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For that matter, I also don't understand why dimes are so small. For most metal currency, the bigger the coin, the greater the value. Pennies are small; nickels are medium-sized; quarters are a little bigger. Though not common currency these days, the half-dollar is bigger yet. It's a good system.
But the dime screws it all up. It makes no sense to me that a unit of currency that is worth twice as much as a nickel, and 10 times as much as a penny, is smaller than both of those. I don't get it.
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Another thing I don't get is the fascination Americans have with Donald Trump. According to some polls, he's among the top choices among Republicans to get the 2012 presidential nomination.
It seems crazy to me. I'm not going to go all-Alex Baldwin, and start looking for property in Canada in the off-chance that Trump actually wins the presidency -- but the thought of Donald Trump being the commander in chief of the United States of America is more than a little unnerving to me.
I mean, the man is a virtual cartoon character. He's this year's Ross Perot. When I hear him in interviews, I all see is a Darrell Hammond impersonation from "Saturday Night Live." I just don't understand how anyone would take him seriously as a presidential candidate. Then again, I also don't understand why anyone would watch "The Apprentice."
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I also don't understand whether the noun "couple" should take on singular or plural verbs. For instance, should it be "the couple plan to reside in Blytheville" or "the couple plans to reside in Blytheville"? It's two people, but one unit. My stylebook explains the difference, and though I've read the explanation about a hundred times, I still don't get it. I usually just try to write around it.
If you're one of the folks that gets a kick out of finding grammatical errors in the newspaper, this is one to look for. Honestly, I'm just guessing most of the time.
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Another complete mystery to me is barometric pressure. I always hear weather guys on the television talking about this. Sometimes thy say it's "rising;" other times it's "falling." They might as well be speaking Latin, because none of it means anything to me.
Is it good to have rising barometric pressure? Is it bad? I honestly have no clue.
For that matter, sometimes I think half the stuff weather guys talk about is nonsense. Really, I don't need to know about "barometric pressure" or "dew points" or "the jet stream." Just tell me if it's going to be hot or cold, or if it's going to be wet or dry. Reporting the weather ought to take about 30 seconds.
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Maybe one of these days I'll figure all this stuff out. Then I can truly claim to be among the smart people of the world. But until then, I guess I'll just have to be another dumb guy.
aweld@blythevillecourier.com